How to Find Your Attachment Style: A Complete Guide

Understanding your attachment style is one of the most powerful tools for improving your relationships and emotional well-being. But how do you actually figure out which attachment style you have? This comprehensive guide will walk you through multiple methods to identify your attachment patterns, from self-reflection exercises to professional assessments.

Why Finding Your Attachment Style Matters

Before diving into the "how," let's briefly touch on the "why":

• Self-awareness: Understanding your patterns helps you make sense of your relationship behaviors
• Relationship improvement: Knowing your style helps you communicate needs effectively
• Personal growth: Identifying areas for development allows targeted healing
• Partner compatibility: Understanding both your and your partner's styles improves relationship dynamics
• Breaking cycles: Awareness is the first step to changing unhelpful patterns

Now, let's explore how to discover your attachment style.

Method 1: Self-Reflection Questions

The most accessible starting point is honest self-reflection. Answer these questions based on how you typically feel and behave in romantic relationships, not how you wish you'd behave or how you think you should behave.

About Intimacy and Closeness

Question 1: How do you feel about emotional intimacy?

• A) I feel comfortable being emotionally close and open with partners
• B) I crave deep emotional connection but worry it won't be reciprocated
• C) I feel uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness
• D) I want closeness but also fear it will lead to pain

Question 2: When a partner wants to get very close emotionally, you:

• A) Welcome it and reciprocate naturally
• B) Feel excited but also anxious they might pull away later
• C) Feel smothered or trapped
• D) Feel conflicted—want it but also want to run

Question 3: How comfortable are you depending on romantic partners?

• A) Very comfortable—I can depend on them and let them depend on me
• B) I want to depend on them but worry they won't be there for me
• C) Uncomfortable—I prefer to handle things myself
• D) I have mixed feelings—sometimes I want to depend on them, other times it scares me

About Communication

Question 4: When something bothers you in a relationship, you:

• A) Bring it up calmly and discuss it openly
• B) Overthink it, worry about their reaction, then eventually bring it up anxiously
• C) Keep it to myself or downplay its importance
• D) Sometimes explode, sometimes withdraw—depends on my mood

Question 5: How do you express your needs?

• A) Directly and clearly
• B) Indirectly or through hints, hoping they'll figure it out
• C) I don't—I pride myself on not needing much
• D) Inconsistently—sometimes I demand attention, sometimes I disappear

Question 6: When conflicts arise, you typically:

• A) Work through them constructively with my partner
• B) Become very emotional and need reassurance the relationship is okay
• C) Shut down, withdraw, or leave the conversation
• D) Either escalate emotionally or completely withdraw

About Trust and Security

Question 7: How often do you worry about your relationship?

• A) Rarely—I generally feel secure
• B) Frequently—I often worry they'll leave or don't love me enough
• C) Not much—I'm more worried about losing my independence
• D) It varies wildly—sometimes secure, sometimes panicked

Question 8: When your partner needs space or alone time, you:

• A) Understand and use the time for my own interests
• B) Feel anxious and worry it means they're pulling away
• C) Feel relieved—I probably needed space too
• D) Feel rejected and angry, or sometimes relieved

Question 9: How do you feel about commitment?

• A) Comfortable—when I care about someone, commitment feels natural
• B) I want commitment desperately and often push for it
• C) Uncomfortable—commitment feels like losing freedom
• D) Terrified—I want it but fear getting hurt

About Self and Relationships

Question 10: How would you describe your relationship history?

• A) Generally stable and satisfying
• B) Intense and emotional, often anxious
• C) Short-term or emotionally distant
• D) Chaotic, with lots of ups and downs

Question 11: How do you feel when single?

• A) Fine—I enjoy relationships but I'm okay alone too
• B) Incomplete or anxious—I need to be in a relationship to feel whole
• C) Relieved and free—I prefer being single
• D) Lost and empty, or sometimes relieved depending on my last relationship

Question 12: Your sense of self-worth is:

• A) Pretty stable, not heavily dependent on relationship status
• B) Closely tied to whether I'm loved and validated by a partner
• C) Strong when I'm independent, threatened when someone gets too close
• D) Unstable and heavily dependent on external validation

Scoring Your Answers:

Mostly A's: Secure Attachment You're comfortable with intimacy and independence, communicate openly, and generally trust your partners.

Mostly B's: Anxious Attachment You crave closeness but worry about abandonment, need frequent reassurance, and feel relationship anxiety often.

Mostly C's: Avoidant Attachment You value independence highly, feel uncomfortable with too much closeness, and prefer emotional distance.

Mostly D's: Fearful-Avoidant Attachment You experience conflicting desires—wanting closeness but fearing it, with unpredictable relationship patterns.

Mixed Results? That's normal! Many people have traits of multiple styles, or different styles in different relationships. You might lean toward one primary style with secondary characteristics of another.

Method 2: Relationship Pattern Analysis

Another powerful way to identify your attachment style is to analyze your relationship patterns over time.

Exercise: Your Relationship Timeline

Create a timeline of your significant relationships (romantic and even close friendships) and note:

1. How it started: Did you pursue intensely? Were you hesitant? Did they pursue you?
2. The middle phase: Were you comfortable? Anxious? Distant? Fluctuating?
3. How it ended: Who ended it? Why? What was your emotional response?
4. Patterns: Do you see recurring themes?

Pattern Recognition Questions:

For Anxious Attachment Patterns:

• Do you often feel you love more than you're loved?
• Have you been called "needy" or "too intense"?
• Do you struggle to leave even unhealthy relationships?
• Do your relationships often have dramatic ups and downs?
• Do you feel devastated after breakups, more than seems proportionate?

For Avoidant Attachment Patterns:

• Do you often feel smothered in relationships?
• Have you been called "emotionally unavailable" or "distant"?
• Do you tend to find fault with partners once they get too close?
• Do you leave relationships when they get "too serious"?
• Do you prefer casual relationships or extensive alone time?

For Fearful-Avoidant Patterns:

• Do your relationships follow a "push-pull" pattern?
• Do you sometimes chase, then withdraw when they reciprocate?
• Have you experienced trauma in past relationships or childhood?
• Do you struggle to trust anyone fully?
• Do your feelings about relationships change dramatically?

For Secure Attachment Patterns:

• Do your relationships generally feel stable and comfortable?
• Can you navigate conflicts without extreme emotional reactions?
• Do you maintain friendships and interests outside relationships?
• Do you feel confident in your worthiness of love?
• Can you both give and receive support comfortably?

Method 3: The "Strange Situation" for Adults

Mary Ainsworth's original attachment research used the "Strange Situation" test with children. Here's an adult adaptation:

Scenario-Based Assessment

Imagine these situations and note your honest first reaction:

Scenario 1: The Unanswered Text Your partner usually texts back quickly, but it's been 3 hours with no response.

• Secure: "They're probably busy. I'll hear from them when they're free."
• Anxious: Checks phone constantly "Why aren't they texting back? Did I do something wrong? Are they losing interest?"
• Avoidant: "Whatever, I have other things to do anyway."
• Fearful-Avoidant: "They're definitely mad at me / They're leaving me / I should leave first"

Scenario 2: The "We Need to Talk" Message Your partner texts: "We need to talk tonight."

• Secure: "Okay, wonder what's up. Guess I'll find out tonight."
• Anxious: Immediate panic "This is it, they're breaking up with me. What did I do?" Possibly sends multiple messages asking what's wrong
• Avoidant: "Great, drama. This is exactly why relationships are exhausting." Possibly avoids or delays the conversation
• Fearful-Avoidant: Panic followed by either preemptively breaking up or disappearing

Scenario 3: The Weekend Plans Your partner says they want to spend the weekend with their friends instead of with you.

• Secure: "Sounds good! I'll catch up with my friends or work on that project."
• Anxious: "Don't they want to see me? Are they pulling away? Maybe I should ask to come along..."
• Avoidant: "Perfect, I could use some space anyway."
• Fearful-Avoidant: "They don't want me around. They're probably going to meet someone else." Or "Finally, some space—wait, why don't they want to see me?"

Scenario 4: The Vulnerable Moment Your partner shares something deeply personal and emotional, then asks about your feelings.

• Secure: You listen empathetically and share your own feelings when appropriate
• Anxious: You over-empathize, possibly making it about your own anxiety or using it to bond intensely
• Avoidant: You feel uncomfortable, change the subject, or offer logical solutions instead of emotional support
• Fearful-Avoidant: You're simultaneously touched and terrified, possibly withdrawing or becoming overwhelmed

Scenario 5: The Relationship Definition You've been dating a few months. They want to discuss making it official.

• Secure: You're open to the discussion and can honestly express where you're at
• Anxious: "Finally! Yes, absolutely!" Even if you're unsure, you agree because you fear losing them
• Avoidant: "Why do we need to label it? Things are fine as they are." Feels pressured
• Fearful-Avoidant: You want to say yes but feel terrified; might say yes then have second thoughts, or push them away

Method 4: Take a Validated Assessment

While self-reflection is valuable, validated psychological assessments offer scientific rigor.

Recommended Attachment Assessments:

1. Experiences in Close Relationships (ECR-R)

• Most widely used attachment measure in research
• 36 questions measuring anxiety and avoidance dimensions
• Available through many psychology research sites

2. Attachment Style Questionnaire (ASQ)

• 40 items measuring multiple attachment dimensions
• Used in clinical and research settings

3. Relationship Questionnaire (RQ)

• Shorter assessment with paragraph descriptions
• Choose which description fits you best

4. Online Attachment Style Quizzes While not as scientifically rigorous as clinical assessments, quality online quizzes can provide good insights:

• Take our free attachment styles quiz (12 questions, instant results)
• Attachment Project quiz
• Psychology Today assessments

Tips for Taking Assessments:

• Be honest: Answer based on how you actually are, not how you want to be
• Think of recent relationships: Use your last few relationships as reference
• Don't overthink: Your first instinct is usually most accurate
• Take when calm: Don't take assessments in the middle of relationship crisis
• Retake periodically: Attachment styles can shift; reassess every 6-12 months

Method 5: Work with a Professional

A therapist or counselor can provide the most accurate and nuanced assessment of your attachment style.

When to Seek Professional Assessment:

• You're getting mixed results from self-assessments
• You suspect trauma influences your attachment
• You want to work on changing your attachment style
• Your relationships consistently struggle
• You're preparing for couples therapy

Types of Professionals Who Can Help:

Psychologists and Therapists

• Look for those specializing in attachment theory
• Particularly those trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Relationship Counselors

• Can assess both individual and couple attachment dynamics

Psychiatrists

• Can rule out other mental health conditions that might mimic attachment issues

What to Expect:

A professional assessment might include:

• Clinical interview about relationship history
• Standardized questionnaires (ECR-R, AAI, etc.)
• Discussion of childhood experiences
• Analysis of current relationship patterns
• Exploration of emotional regulation strategies

Understanding Your Results: What Each Style Means

Once you've identified your likely attachment style, here's what it means:

Secure Attachment (50-60% of adults)

Core belief: "I'm worthy of love, and others are generally trustworthy."

Characteristics:

• Comfortable with intimacy and independence
• Effective communication
• Trust comes relatively easily
• Can navigate conflicts constructively
• Maintains sense of self in relationships

In relationships: Generally stable, satisfying, and balanced

Anxious Attachment (15-25% of adults)

Core belief: "I'm not worthy of love; others will abandon me."

Characteristics:

• Strong fear of abandonment
• Need for reassurance
• Preoccupied with relationships
• Highly emotionally expressive
• Difficulty trusting partner's love

In relationships: Intense, emotionally volatile, anxious

Avoidant Attachment (20-25% of adults)

Core belief: "I don't need others; dependence is weak."

Characteristics:

• Highly values independence
• Uncomfortable with emotional intimacy
• Dismissive of emotions
• Self-reliant to a fault
• Withdraws when things get "too close"

In relationships: Emotionally distant, commitment-phobic, independent

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (5-10% of adults)

Core belief: "I'm not worthy of love, and others will hurt me."

Characteristics:

• Wants closeness but fears it
• High anxiety and high avoidance
• Often linked to trauma
• Unpredictable relationship behavior
• Struggles with trust profoundly

In relationships: Chaotic, push-pull dynamics, unstable

Important Nuances to Consider

1. Attachment Styles Aren't Fixed Categories

Think of attachment as existing on a spectrum rather than rigid boxes. You might be:

• Mostly secure with some anxious tendencies
• Anxious-leaning but with avoidant traits in certain contexts
• Generally avoidant but anxious with specific partners

2. Context Matters

Your attachment style can vary based on:

• The specific relationship: You might be secure with friends but anxious in romance
• Your partner's style: An avoidant partner might trigger anxious behaviors
• Stress levels: High stress can intensify insecure attachment patterns
• Life stage: Major life changes can temporarily shift attachment security

3. Attachment Styles Can Change

Your attachment style isn't permanent. It can shift through:

• Therapy and personal work
• Being in a secure relationship
• Life experiences and personal growth
• Conscious effort and practice

4. Multiple Influences

Your attachment style is influenced by:

• Primary caregiver relationships (biggest factor)
• Romantic relationship experiences
• Friendships and social connections
• Traumatic experiences
• Cultural factors
• Temperament and personality

What to Do After Identifying Your Style

If You're Secure:

• Maintain it: Continue healthy relationship practices
• Help others: Your security can help partners become more secure
• Be aware: Even secure people have areas for growth
• Share knowledge: Help partners understand attachment theory

If You're Anxious:

• Self-soothe: Learn emotional regulation techniques
• Build self-worth: Develop identity outside relationships
• Challenge thoughts: Question anxious thinking patterns
• Consider therapy: CBT or EFT can be particularly helpful
• Read: Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps

If You're Avoidant:

• Practice vulnerability: Start small with sharing feelings
• Challenge beliefs: Question whether independence always serves you
• Stay present: Don't withdraw when emotions arise
• Explore childhood: Understand the origins of your pattern
• Consider therapy: Psychodynamic or EFT can help

If You're Fearful-Avoidant:

• Seek professional help: This style often involves trauma
• Build safety: Work on feeling safe in relationships
• Trauma work: EMDR or trauma-focused therapy may help
• Self-compassion: Be patient with your healing process
• Start small: Build trust gradually in low-stakes relationships

Common Mistakes When Identifying Attachment Style

Mistake 1: Using It as an Excuse

"I'm avoidant, so I can't do intimacy" → No. Understanding your style is about growth, not limitation.

Mistake 2: Diagnosing Others

Focus on your own attachment style. You can't accurately diagnose partners or friends without their input.

Mistake 3: Thinking It Explains Everything

Attachment is one lens, not the only lens. Personality, mental health, values, and circumstances all matter too.

Mistake 4: Taking One Quiz and Deciding

Use multiple methods for the most accurate assessment. One quiz on a bad day might not reflect your true pattern.

Mistake 5: Believing It's Unchangeable

Attachment styles can and do change. Don't let your current style limit your future potential.

Your Next Steps

Now that you know how to find your attachment style, here's your action plan:

Week 1:

• Complete the self-reflection questions in this article
• Take 2-3 different online assessments
• Journal about your relationship patterns

Week 2:

• Create your relationship timeline
• Identify recurring patterns
• Note specific triggers and responses

Week 3:

• Research your identified attachment style deeply
• Read recommended books
• Consider whether therapy would be helpful

Week 4 and Beyond:

• Begin implementing strategies for your specific style
• Practice new relationship behaviors
• Track your progress
• Reassess periodically

Conclusion

Finding your attachment style is a journey of self-discovery that can profoundly impact your relationships and quality of life. Whether through self-reflection, pattern analysis, validated assessments, or professional help, identifying your attachment patterns is the crucial first step toward healthier relationships.

Remember:

• Be honest with yourself in the assessment process
• Use multiple methods for the most accurate picture
• Be compassionate with yourself—your attachment style developed for good reasons
• Take action based on what you learn
• Be patient—understanding and changing patterns takes time

Your attachment style is not your destiny. It's simply your starting point. With awareness, effort, and often professional support, you can move toward more secure, satisfying relationships—regardless of where you start.

Ready to Discover Your Attachment Style?

Take our free attachment styles quiz now and receive instant, personalized insights into your relationship patterns. It takes just 5 minutes and could transform how you understand yourself and your relationships.

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This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional psychological advice. For personalized assessment and support, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.